Manu Chao – Merry Blues

One of my favorite songs by Manu Chao is Merry Blues. I always thought that statement in itself was interesting. We find one of those rarities in the English language, the Oxymoron. How can you be merry when you have the blues? Then it hit me, I have the Merry Blues all the time.
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Jenn In The Snow by Damien Spencer

The last of it is coming

Jenn (My Girl) and I sneaked out to the store with my uncle while we had some sun out. By the time we got home the snow was coming down so hard that we could barely see the road. Since our driveway was covered with snow, we had to walk all our groceries in almost 3 feet of snow all the way to the house from the main road. We have about 29″ or more of snow in our yard right now. Hopefully we will have some sun for a while, starting tomorrow.

Meadow, Jemez Mountains, New Mexico. By Damien Spencer

The storms in New Mexico.

This winter we have had a little snow here or there but this week we are getting some snow. On Monday the first and smallest storm came through. It left about 6 to 8 inches on the ground which, is comparable to the rest of the storms this winter. The next day is snow a little but not enough to really count for anything, about 2 inches. Then we had a little break and Wednesday it decided to drop some more snow on our heads that night. We got about another 6 inches. So we had about 15 to 16 inches of snow in our front yard.

Front Yard during 2nd storm.

The big one is coming.

This morning we woke up to a little bit more snow, about 2 inches. Now that they day has progress a little more, we have ended up with about 5 to 6 more inches on the ground. As I was trying to remove some of the snow with my snow shovel the handle broke off, luckily I had another. Well I was lucky until that one broke as well. Here is some pictures of the weather so far but the biggest part of the storm is going to hit tomorrow and continue into Saturday. This should be fun. Look forward to more pictures of the snow in the Jemez Mountains.

More info

A friend sent me a link to a weather site that shows how much snow we have. It says we have about 23 inches right now.

More Pictures

Front Yard, Winter 2010, by Damien Spencer.

My car cover in snow during the second storm.

Discovering a Mental Illness

Bi-Polar? Quit whining about your mood swings.

When I was in my youth I would make fun of Therapists and Psychologists tagging individuals with the label “Manic-Depressant.” “Everyone has their ups and downs, get over it,” I would retort to anyone that brought up being Bi-Polar. I thought it was normal to have what I called “mood swings”. What I didn’t realize was that it was normal for me and not for everyone else. I had to learn over the years that being Bi-Polar was more than, “wild mood swings.” It wasn’t until I was older that I realized being Bi-Polar could paralyze your life and effect your daily interactions.

Mentalstration Cycles

A long, long, long time ago, when I was about thirteen, I noticed that I would experience low points and high points throughout the year. I just thought it was the seasons changing, not understanding that this was a cycle that would soon control my life. I would experience days that would make me want to crawl up in a hole where no one could find me so I could wait to die. Then there were days that I could concur the world and nothing could stop me from fulfilling my dreams. I would bound over any obstacle like a gazelle with his ass on fire. I enjoyed the highs but unfortunately I spent most of my days crawling out of bed to try and have a “good” day. When I much, much older, in my early twenties, the phases of “I want to die” and “Get the hell out of my way world” seemed to last for longer periods and became as predictable as the local news. It wasn’t until years and years later, when I was 27 that everything started to make a little more sense.

Everyone Else is Crazy. I am the normal one.

Not only do I have to contend with mental cycles, but I have to deal with the consequences they bring. One of those costs is career path destruction. When I am dancing on top of the world or hiding in a cave, there is always a chance I abandon my life for a new one. I tend to freak out and quit my job and run away from my friends, family, and anything that reminds me of my responsibilities. Well A few years ago, when I was 27, I was on a break from a “concur the world” freak out followed by a year slump of “what did I do to ruin my life”, an old friend called me up and said she was a manager for a furniture company. She worked with me before at a furniture company for several years and wanted to hire me. “Perfect opportunity to seek redemption,” I said to myself and headed out the door to go start a new job.

I worked at the furniture company for practically a year before my next mental Crazyfest, but this time it was different. I liked my job and the people I work with and didn’t want to quit. I was tired of spiraling down, I refused to freak out. I decided to make a stand. I thought well maybe it is a chemical imbalance, so I started eating right and quit drinking and smoking weed. I heard that exercise can help with depression and make you feel better, so I started to exercise daily. “Maybe it is my attitude on life,” I thought to myself. I started to think only positively and pushed away anyone that would try to drag me down to the pits of “It’s Not Fair.” It took a couple months but I could see progress, but unfortunately that is not what everyone else saw.

After struggling months to make a better life for myself, I could feel myself getting more confident and willing to follow my dreams. I realized the only thing holding me back was myself, and I could bound over any obstacle like a gazelle with his ass on… Oh shit! I am not getting better I am dancing on top of the world again. It hit me like a ton of bricks. This whole time I was thinking that I was getting better but I just got crazier. It was then that I looked at my behavior and noticed I would snap at anyone that would try to ask me even a simple question. Everyone was afraid to approach me. Even the managers had meetings on how I was unapproachable and refused to cooperate. What I thought was standing up for myself was pushing everyone away. My friends were afraid of me, my family worried, and my coworkers were about to kill me. The managers sat me down and asked if there was anything they could do to make my job a better environment because it was apparent that I was not happy. Taking responsibility for my actions, I told them that there was nothing they could do and I would work on it. A couple more weeks went by until the friend that offered me the job sat me down and told me something had to change. She knew I wasn’t happy and she offered that I could work part time that way I could I work on my own personal goals and try to improve my moral. I realized that they were trying to help me at work and I should return the favor.

The Search for A Diagnosis

I knew that there was a mental issue inside my head so over the next few weeks I dug my head into psychology, self-help, and advice from friends. I wanted to figure out what was wrong with my mental state and having social anxiety issues I couldn’t work up the courage to see a therapist. I dove into researching and was sure it was something simple like depression or Anxiety. Maybe it was a combination of a few issues that make the bigger whole but I know if I knew what is wrong with me I can make steps to fix it.

After a few days of reading I kept seeing Bi-Polar in the text but just kept thinking, “whiners with mood swings”. I thought maybe I could have low self esteem so I began researching low self esteem symptoms and quickly realized I was to arrogant to have low self esteem. Depression, I do have symptoms of depression and those days I wish I could just rot away are for sure depression. I investigated more information about depression and sure enough I had several signs of depression. But the Elephant was staring at me in the face, these symptoms are also signs of being Bi-Polar.

Damn it! I am a Whiny Mood Swinger!

I decided to pet the elephant and read all about being Bi-Polar. My eyes were opened wide, I shared a lot of symptoms of being Bi-Polar. I jumped on Google and took the first test I could find for symptoms of Bi-Polar Disorder. As I took the first test I was relieved, I only got 15 out of 30 symptoms, I was sure that it was going to tell me I am not a “Mood Swing Whiner.” Then when the test calculated and the results blasted on my screen. “You are most likely Bi-Polar. Seek a professional for actual diagnosis.” I searched for something on the page that would tell me this test wasn’t very accurate but all I found was, “if you have more than 5 symptoms from this test your are most likely Bi-Polar.” Five symptoms? I scored 15 symptoms. In search of a new test that would actually give me good results, I spent the next three days in spare time looking for a test that told me I wasn’t Bi-Polar. Then it hit me, I have been searching for a reason I am al messed up and just want to be Bi-Polar, I can’t be honest about myself. I print the symptoms and went to some of my best friends and asked them if they thought I had any of the symptoms. This only gave me worse results then the online tests, my friends pointed out other symptoms I previously ignored.

Self Medication

Now that I knew what is wrong with me I could start to work on fixing it. I knew that the best solution would be to go to a therapist and get a professional diagnosis, but I am not the time to shovel drugs down my throat and become a zombie. So what are my other options? I would stay up late at night thinking of ways to make my life better. I would drive out to the desert on my breaks or after work and go for long walks thinking about how I need to get a grip on my life. I had a hard time concentrating on anything. I would spend my days tearing myself down. I became irritable to everyone and just wasn’t very happy. I felt like I was in this weird state, almost as if I was high on some type of drug. It was then that I noticed when I stopped smoking weed my mind would begin to race and I would enter a manic state. I didn’t know what I could do so I went back to my old ways. I started smoking weed again.

After I pondered about it for a while I figured out that I had been self medicating myself with Marijuana and it would help prevent my mind from reaching mania. My mind calmed down a little bit after I starting smoking again. I became more relaxed and didn’t feel like I was wound up and the urge to choke people subsided. I felt more grounded and felt that maybe if I just smoked weed and went to work minding my own business I could continue to live a day to day life. Then reality showed up at my door wearing a pink slip.

I was just about to go home from work when my manager, also my friend that hired me, called me in her office and handed me some papers. I glazed down at the papers knowing that they were bad news. I stared in disbelief, I had to take a random drug test. I sat at my desk for about 10 minutes stewing on what I could do. Then it hit me. I marched back into my friends office. I told her that I was dirty and couldn’t pass the test and I am willing to suffer the consequences of my personal actions. Her jaw dropped, “I thought you were clean?”

“I was,” I replied, “but I started again. Haven’t you noticed how calm and relaxed I have been lately?”

She was disappointed but we were both grown up about the situation, well at least she was. I just quit my job because I would rather continue to smoke marijuana to level myself out then continue to work a good job.

Living with Choices

Making the choice to continue to smoke weed as a form of self medication has brought its own side effects. There are the obvious side effects, like my smokers cough and laziness but the other side effects aren’t so apparent.
After I left the furniture business I decided to follow my dreams of becoming an artist and photographer. I mean come on I have contaminated urine so no one was going to hire me at a job I could make a career. So back to my dreams. My whole life I have been saying, “When I grow up I want to be an artist.” Of course the usual response is, “that is nice but what are you going to do for a living?” I already had a plan to start my own business before I got the call for a job from my friend. I figured the job would be a good place to save up the start-up cash I needed, but I didn’t get to save enough and had less money than I had hoped. I had a choice. Spend my money wisely looking for a new job or throw it all in the pot and hope for the best. I used what money I had to buy Photography Equipment and set out to make money from portraits and weddings.

Things were slow at first but soon my friend Emily Horne decided to mentor me. I helped her out with some weddings and learned some of the ropes of professional photography while working with her. She handed off a couple shoots to help me get started and I was on my way to become a professional photographer. I was excited, until I realized there is a big obstacle I needed to hurdle like a gazelle. I suffered from social anxiety and the marijuana enhanced it.

I found it hard it hard to pick up the phone and make simple phone calls to strangers. I would sit and stare at the phone for days trying to muster the courage to make a phone call. This frustrated me terribly since I had worked in customer service and on the phones for over ten years. Why can’t I make a easy phone call? They aren’t even going to be mad when I call, they just want to set up a shoot. Sometimes it would be a week before I could make a call and as we all know that doesn’t fly when you are running your own business.

I tried to do the best I could for a long time barely making any money, just enough for rent and some food. I survived off of eating at my grandmother’s and letting my bills fall into the deep pool of angry creditors. I couldn’t take it anymore I was looking for a way to crawl into a hole and die. For the first time in my life I was seriously thinking about suicide. I now knew what it meant to have a dark cloud over your head. This was the most depressed I have ever felt. It was then that I realized that when I left the furniture company that was the best I had ever felt in my life. It was the cycle again.

I started to pay more attention to my cycles a realized that I was up one week and down for another, I would have good days and bad days. It was no longer feel okay for a while, on top of the world, normal , and depressed for a while. No now it was Good day then bad week. Good week and then bad month. Normal morning, depressed afternoon, Maniafest night until 9 in the morning. I was losing it.

A New Life

Just when things were at their darkest I saw some light. Me and a long term friend…uh well…we got involved with each other. I started to feel a little better once I had a girlfriend in my life. I started to do some accounting for my mom’s boyfriend’s business once a month and in return he helped pay some of my bills. Even though things were better I was still down in a dark place.

Then a even bigger change came. I had been thinking about how I wanted to get out of the city and go back to the mountains for a while. Back to where I grew up but my dad was renting the house out and I couldn’t afford to rent a place. Then one day while talking to my dad he said that the house I grew up in didn’t have renters anymore. I mentioned to my girlfriend that the house was opened and asked what she thought about moving to the mountains. She then informed me she had already been thinking about it and really wanted to move to the Jemez Mountains.

After a couple months we finally made the move and have been living here since. I have advertised around the village for my services and started to sell my products on line. Unfortunately, I do not have the same amount of business I had in Albuquerque but moving to the mountains has lower our cost of living. Although things may not be at their best right now, I am still following my dream of being a starving artist.

Trying to Live Crazy

Some see me as a calm person and some say I don’t show any emotion. I even look like a laid back chill person, but what most people don’t see, is what is going on inside of my mind. The whole time I look laid back and like a mellow person the voice inside myself is screaming. That voice tells me I am not good enough, something isn’t right, I am making a fool out of myself. That voice is like nails on a chalkboard. It is the anxiety that holds me back, it is the self critic that makes me not want to continue on. I often find myself battling a war, a war on sanity. Moving to the mountains has not shut this voice up but it has calmed it down.

I continually try to make everyday a better day. Most days I fail and I become frustrated and sometimes irritated at life. When I become frustrated I become irritable and angry. Sometimes my girlfriend get to feel the emotional overflow of emotions I can no longer control.

Sometimes I feel like the more I try to make myself better the further that reality recedes away from me. I know now that being Bi-Polar is more than just having mood swings. I also know that if untreated it only gets worse. This is something I have already experienced. I am taking it a day at a time. It has been 3 years since I realized what might be affecting me and I still can’t get myself to go see a head doctor. I know that this is something I can’t control and it affects my life every day. And before I end this article, I just want thank you for listening to my “Whining” about my “Mood Swings”.